1. Ang Hagok

2. The Lunatic's Son

3. Portrait Of The Artist As A Balut Vendor

Nabati niya nga aduna'y gahagok. Kusog kaayong ang hagok ug mura gyud kini ug hagok sa usa ka dakong tao iyang nadungan. Kinsa man kaha ang gahagok? Wala man siya'y na-ilhan nga mohagok sa ilang panimalay. Bisa'g unsa-on niya'g pugos sa iyang kaugalingon ug katulog- madisturbo gyud siya sa kusog kaayong hagok, Mura'g gikan gyud ang maong hagok sa pikas nga kwarto. Apan wala na ma'y gakatulog sa pikas kwarto nga kwarto kaniadto sa itang Tita Isabel nga tua na karon sa States. Nagsagol na ang iyang mga pagbati- kakuryoso, kahadlok ug kalagot, Dili gyud siya makatulog. Sukad pa sa gamay pa siyang bata- lisod gyud kaayo siyang pakatulgon kay basin ug gamay lamang nga tingog, ,makamata na dayon siya. Maski tulo man lang sa gripo sa kasilyas o tik-tak man lang sa relo, madisturbo na dayon iyang katulog,. Wala siya kasabot mismo sa iyang kaugalingon nganong ingon ana siya ka sensitibo sa mga gagmay'ng tingog sa kagabin-on apan sa iyang nahinumduman daan na gyud kini sukad sa bata pa siya.
Nagkakusog ang hagok nga iyang gakadubggan ug labihang ka-bad trip na niya, samot na dihang mi-agu-ol pa gyud ang iro sa silingan nila nga balay. Wala na gyud siya maka-antos, mibarog siya ug migawas sa iyang kwarto ug mihinay-hinay ug subay kung aha naga-gikan ang maong hagok. Mi-hunong siya ug kadyot para paminawon ug ayo ang hagok kay buot lagi niyang subayon kini apan diha pa lang pag-dayong hunong niya, nawala lang ug na-undang lamang sa kalit ang hagok.
Gikulba-an siya sa kalit nga kahilom. Naglingi-lingi. Nagpaminaw kung na-a pa bay gahagok. Apan wal na siya'y madunggan. Wala na gyud. And kahilum na lang sa kagabin-on.Padulong na siya ug balik sa iyang kwarto ug wala na lang niya taga-i pa ug daghan nga panghuna-huna ang iyang nadunggan kay huna-huna lagi niya basin resulta ra to sa iyang kulang ug katulog. Apan sa pag-sira niya sa pultahan nadunggan na sab niya ug usab ang hagok. Misugod na sab kini ug kalit sama ra usab sa kakalit sa pagkawala ani sa dihang paggawas niya.

Somewhere in an old barrio named Flakbabag once lived a boy named Ingak Andres. Ingak lived with his mother who makes a living by swallowing other people's vomit. Every time somebody would want the perverted pleasure of watching another human devour his or her puke they would call on his mother. She justifies her job by saying that it is a much more decent profession than her previous one being a prostitute. Either way it's quite the same since both are in the same field of making money through doing certain acts for other people. Ingak didn't know his real father simply for the reason that he really didn't care. Her mother kept on telling him all the time that he looked like his father but whenever he would ask her who his father is the old woman would just take off her clothes and run all over town screaming "Dolphy for President!." This somehow really bothered Ingak for he had always thought her mother to be a die-hard Marcos loyalist.
Sometimes when they are alone his Mother would suddenly throw a fit and start calling him names. "Felindo!", "Hubaldes!"and "Perpico!" are just some of the strange names he would call him. Until now he never really figured out why she called her those or what those names meant.
These incidents left Ingak alienated from all the other kids in town since as time went on talks widely spread into town that her mother was a lunatic. So the other kids who used to play with Ingak were now prohibited from playing with him by their self-righteous conventional parents. Even at school nobody would dare play with him for as the rumors spread he was "a lunatic's son".
Sometimes he would hear people at the mercado whispering whenever he passed by "There goes the lunatic's son…"
But Ingak didn't let that get into his nerves for even with his mother's condition he knew she wasn't as crazy like they say she was, or according to his own words "we're all crazy, all of us...its just a matter of how much!"
Ingak went to public school, It really bothered him why he couldn't see any girls around campus, only boys and sometimes few other boys who dress up as girls. "Maybe they don't like to see me or they just don't want me to see them…" he kept on saying to himself. What Ingak did not know is that it was a public school for boys.
One day at school Ingak was called to attention by the voluptuous Ms. Velez, her Homeroom Guidance teacher who was really very bothered with Ingak's indifference towards her class.
Of course this doesn't seem strange at all, for most of us who have gone to school know that it's just normal to feel this way especially when you are in the 6th grade. But then again we never had a teacher like Ms. Velez, who had such beautiful God-given ass and breasts that could house a litter of homeless cats. Everybody in her class, just couldn't help but drool over the thought of Ms. Velez in her tightly worn mini-skirt faculty uniform. Everybody knew that Ms. Velez helped alter the course of their school's history for since she started teaching there the number of students who came in late became less and less until finally nobody came in late anymore….except of course for poor old Ingak.
"Ingak Andres, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Ms. Velez directly asked as he was made to stand up in her class. It took quite a while for Ingak to answer the question, for he had a hard time taking a broken pencil out from his left ear.
"Ahhhh…..Miss…when I grow up…aaaahhh…" small beads of sweat are starting to form over his forehead. "….I want to be a big…green primate-devouring…oven!"
Everybody in class laughed at his answer, others were cheering up for him thinking he was trying to be funny and all that.
"A big green oven?" the teacher repeatedly asked in disbelief. "A big green oven?"
"A big green oven?" "A big green oven?" "A big green oven?" "Big green oven, huh?"
"No, miss not just a big green oven but a big green monkey-eating oven!" Ingak clarified his statement.
The teacher started getting furious thinking that Ingak was pulling some antic on her but after seeing the seriousness in his eyes she just couldn't help it but become more and more curious.
"A big green monkey-eating oven? What the hell is that?"
"Well, its what everybody uses to bake cakes and cookies, you know? Only I want to be a big green one because green is my favorite color. And about the monkey-eating bit, I think it's kinda unfair that only monkey-eating eagles can eat monkeys. I mean I would really love to eat some monkeys, you know? Ever since I was a child I've always wondered what monkeys would taste like…Besides, the words - I meant the name just sounds good together…Big green monkey-eating oven, Yeah! That's what I want to be!"
Ingak's answer left everybody speechless for quite a while, especially when Ms. Velez sat down with her legs wide open for all the class to see. Everybody just stared like zombies at her white panties.
Then she suddenly slammed on the table and started getting furious again, which left everybody's fantasy going up in smoke. "What the fuck are you talking about, Ingak Andres? You are so full of sick and insane shit just like your mother! This is pure bullshit! I mean who would want to be a big green oven?"
"A big green monkey-eating oven, miss and of course, I would want to be one." Ingak answered back with an innocent look leaving Ms. Velez a little calm now but still a bit ticked off. She just kept on shaking her head that she almost felt one nerve of hers broke.
"Just like your mother….just like your mother…" Ms. Velez softly murmured to herself.
"Just like my mother? Do you know my mother, miss?" asked Ingak who overheard her.
"Who doesn't know about your mother, Ingak?"
"Well, I don't really know, miss but there was this one time this guy who was carrying a really big log, you know the kind of log we used to eat at home, he was asking who my mother was…which means he didn't know. So there's one guy who doesn't know my mother… maybe he was from out of town or maybe he was just high on drugs 'coz that's what they say happens when you eat too much drugs, you forget about people. By the way, I forgot to tell you my mother just passed away this morning, miss!"
"Oh I'm really sorry Ingak, I didn't know. Why? What happened? Did she finally choke on someone's vomit? I have always thought that her job was kinda risky." The teacher said, starting to sound so apologetic upon hearing what had just happened to his mother.
"Oh no, miss. No, my mother didn't choke on anybody's vomit. She was so damn good at what she was doing. She was even named "Vomit-Eater of the Year" in our barrio. She died because she overdosed on marijuana." Ingak replied
"Overdosed on marijuana? Is that possible?" the confused Ms. Velez asked again, becoming as curious as ever.
"Not really if you00000000000 0smoked it, but then she tried to inje00ct it using a syringe. She kept on injecting herself until her nerves finally began getting clogged up with it, which then killed her."
"Oh, I'm really very sorry, Ingak. But why did you come to school today? You should have stayed at home…"
"I know, miss but then again I don't wanna miss your class…I've already been late and absent a couple of times and I don't wanna add some more to it. "
While the Ms. Velez and Ingak were immersed in their conversation, Ms. Velez was unaware that the other students were slowly going out of the classroom until nobody else was left inside but the two of them.
"Oh no! Your classmates had already left!" Ms. Velez blurted out in surprise as she discovered that the rest of the class was missing. She then turned back to Ingak and said, " I'm really sorry about your mother Ingak, my deepest sympathies to you and your family. Your mother was a really good vomit-eater! If there is anything I could do for you, don't hesitate to ask me. OK?"
Ingak just silently grinned and stared at Ms. Velez in the eyes. "It feels funny to be alone in this room with you, Miss. This situation like a good intro for a really cool porn movie!"
And so without any hesitations, Ms. Velez took off her blouse and under it revealed what Ingak would later describe as "watermelons with a raisin topping". Then without blinking an eye, she took off his pants and started to work on his "childhood". Whatever happened after that was way beyond words to describe or maybe its just too damn good to be true. The whole incident gave Ingak's vocabulary new meaning to the words "suck, "play", "dribble"and "dunk". That day Ingak didn't only lose her mother he lost something more, he lost a part of himself that he will never have again. This is just another story of how one 6th grade loser got to bone his very luscious Homeroom Guidance teacher and if you think this story is stupid and crazy, just remember what they always said about Ingak and where it got him. Hehehe! THE END

Hector Gamora was born in November 6, 1932 at a little barrio Tungaw, Agusan del Norte. His father, Macario Felipe Gamora, was a prestigious teacher in a local school who was famous for having been able to teach without uttering a single word in his whole career. His mother, Maria Corazon Selma, a native of Leyte, was an ordinary housewife who spent most of her free time trying to make her husband talk and figuring who's who among her sons, Hector and Dante. She could never tell them apart from each other even with their obvious differences. She'd mistake Dante for Hector and vice versa but she just knew deep inside that they're both her sons and that one of them must be Hector. So, she just decided to call the both of them "son".
Hector was three years older than Dante but unlike other siblings they got along with each other really well especially when they found out they have the same last name and the same sexual preference which happened accidentally. When Dante was nine years old he got very sick and never got well again, he would wake up late at night and scream "Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler!". Then he would take off all his clothes and run around their house naked and starts doing all these funny frog sounds. He later died instantly after having swallowed a fork during the eve of noche buena and it was Hector's very first encounter with death. Hector was twelve when Dante died but this experience would very much affect him later in life especially at times when legal matters would come up. He would learn later that his mother had again mistaken him for Dante and it was Hector's name in the death certificate and tombstone, not Dante's. Hector would have noticed this glitch earlier and would have prevented any future problems had he been keen and observant but since he was really saddened about the loss of Dante he just spent most of the time trying hard to look depressed.
The Gamora household was never the same after Dante's death especially after Mrs. Gamora re-arranged all the furnitures and bought a new wallpaper. Hector would sometimes wake up to her mother's crying. Sometimes, he felt neglected being the son that is alive, he thought for himself
"Why should they mourn endlessly over a son who had already died and not give more attention to the one that is still alive? "
This thought kept on bothering him night and day, but of course there are those nights that he'd get so sleepy and prefer sleeping than being bothered. This period of Hector's life was so traumatic that some of his relatives thought he was going crazy, they thought so because sometimes they catch the young Hector looking and talking to the moon as if it was Dante, his dead brother. Only what they didn't know that Hector was really just trying to talk to the man in the moon and not his dead brother.
Many changes had happened to Hector since the loss of his brother. He realized he can't play chess alone since he'd only end up cheating on himself and at the age of thirteen he noticed hair was growing near his groin. He also refused to go to school anymore having no one to walk home with and he says what they teach in school did not interest him anymore. Hector's father was so disheartened by his son' idleness and lack of interest but still remained speechless.
Hector having dropped out from school at an early age decided all he wanted to do in life was sell balut. At nights he would lie in bed and wondered what it would be like to be able to live this dream of his, being a balut vendor. It didn't surprise him that nobody shared his passion of being a balut vendor, for he knew that deep inside he will be the best at this underrated profession.